Sarasota, FL - The previously unknown, secret founders of the Comics Guaranty, LLC (CGC) stepped forward on Friday to announce that they are really warriors from the future sent back in time to prepare the world for a coming alien invasion. CGC is currently the leading provider of professional grading and slabbing for comic books, so The Comicaze Report was eager to sit down with the behind-the-scenes founders of the CGC, Batman #3 and Galactus Heroclix, to discuss this strange revelation.



Comicaze Report (CR): I... hmmm, this is-- Okay, what's with the names?

Batman #3 (B3): Most soldiers in the future have their names legally changed to that of a collectible item. It's mostly a defensive measure.

Galactus Heroclix (GH): See, the aliens that attack Earth are... well, they're fanatic collectors. Using the names of collectible items prevents them from killing us outright. It makes them hesitate for a second and gives us something of a fighting chance.

CR: These aliens from the future... are collectors?

GH: Not just collectors... they're the ultimate collectors. With nothing left to collect on their homeworld, they were forced to scour the galaxies conquering worlds and stealing valuable collectibles to keep their speculator market alive.

CR: So, let me get this straight. They're space geeks with big nerd-ons for comic books. Is that right?

GH: It was more than just comics. If it had any kind of collectible value, they'd take it.

B3: Yeah, they even started digging up the graves of famous sports stars because they assumed the original bodies would be worth a lot more than the trading cards.

CR: So, why come back to the past to form a comic grading company? That doesn't really sound like a company capable of stopping an alien invasion.

B3: We did it because not many comics actually made it to our time.

CR: What? You're giving these aliens even more stuff to take?

GH: No, the grading is part of a plan to defeat the aliens. Since they value collectibles so much, we started to use valuable items to defend ourselves. We first used them as primitive shields, but the aliens were able to get around them without damaging the items. Then, we started to develop armor. Coins seemed like a logical choice, but linking them together ruined their market value.

B3: And it really pissed off the aliens.

GH: Yeah, that first group that tested the prototype armor... well, I still get nightmares about that. Just try to imagine an extremely avid collector in a big, super strong alien body after you just destroyed a valuable collector's item.

CR: There's some imagery that'll haunt me. Time to go cancel my convention plans for the year.

B3: Okay, so after that failed attempt at building collectible armor, we tried laminated trading cards, and that worked well for a while. But as I mentioned before, they started digging up the original sports stars, which severely devalued the market for the trading cards on their homeworld.

CR: Let me guess... you decided to try comic books?

GH: Yep. We placed them in a protective plastic container that we could use to latch them together into armor. It worked great.

B3: But we had a limited supply of comics, so only a small number of these comic suits of armor could be fashioned together. That's why we came back.

CR: To slab comics? Why not just grab a bunch of comics and go back to the future?

B3: Don't you know anything? You can't jump forward in time. Right at this very moment, the future doesn't exist yet. You can't make a leap through time into something that doesn't exist. It's like Nightcrawler teleporting blind... you just don't do it cause you'd probably wind up killing yourself.

CR: But if--as you put it--the future doesn't exist yet, how can you be here? You're from the future, and you still exist.

GH: But once we stepped into your time, we became history. So, we're basically anomalies stuck in the past.

CR: Okay, then. So how do you make sure the comics still survive until your time? Some crazy billionaire could buy up most of the graded comics and toss all except for the best ones into a volcano to make his collection priceless. Did you think about that?

GH: We did. That's why we have this hidden vault over here. Take a look.

CR: Wow. It's like a warehouse of graded comics. It's like some speculator Shangri-la.

GH: And every comic in here is 9.8 or above.

B3: Took us years to gather these up, but it was worth it. With this collection, the world will be--

KRAK!

GH: What are you doing? That statue's a limited editio--

THWACK!

CR: Well, it looks like the secret CGC founders wish to resume their reclusive ways, so I'll conclude this interview and get on with my mundane, everyday life with things like renting a big U-Haul and calling Heritage.